How Season One of Code Geass SHOULD Have Ended
by 2boysbetterthan1
Summary: What happens when Lelouch reveals his deepest, darkest secret...to C.C who is a really bad psychiatrist? What about when he takes her really bad advice? WARNING: Slash, albeit completely satirical, is on the horizon! Watch for Bob-toucher! One shot.


Lelouch lay sprawled across his bed, deep in troubled thoughts... So many conflicting feelings...

"I think I love my childhood friend," Lelouch confessed to C.C, who sat nearby eating Pizzahut (tm) pizza.

"So?" she said through a mouthful of melted Pizzahut (tm) pizza cheese.

"My childhood friend's a guy, C.C."

"Sounds hot."

"It's Suzaku."

"Ohhhh damn. Drama."

"You don't talk like that."

"I do now."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Why do you suddenly love your childhood friend? The world's a crazy place. At least in this fan fic."

"I don't SUDDENLY love him..." Lelouch sighed, running his fingers through his ebony mane. "...I've loved him throughout the whole series, I just never admitted it to myself. Or the viewers. Until now."

"Ah, I see. So why are you telling me all this?" C.C asked with a tinge of bitterness, wiping Pizzahit (tm) Pizza Sauce off the corner of her lips.

Lelouch shrugged. "Why pay a psychiatrist when I can talk to you FOR FREE?"

"...you have a point. Albeit a self-centered, obnoxious one."

"Okay, so..." Lelouch sat up and turned to C.C., clutching his hands to his chest, "...what do I _do_?"

C.C. didn't say anything for a moment. "You have crazy sex with me. To...get all your aggressions out...and...stuff." Lelouch looked at C.C long and hard.

"...how will that help anything?"

"Didn't you hear the part about your aggressions?"

"...I think I need a psychiatrist."

"But I am--"

"A REAL psychiatrist—"

"You mean a more expensive--"

"A less BIASED psychiatrist."

There was a rather painfully awkward pause.

"...well, if you want my advice, I'd say just keep your feelings to your self—take all those gay thoughts to the grave, masturbate it away, marry some inhuman girl with green hair and pretend to yourself and your fundamentalist christian family that sexual preference is a choice and choose the RIGHT choice!"

"....I don't see how--"

"Well, he'll hate you forever if you get all gay on him!"

"I don't think Suzaku would—"

"IT'LL COMPLICATE YOUR FRIENDSHIP!"

Lelouch gasped. "OH!" he cried, falling back onto his bed dramatically, "you're RIGHT! I HAVE to keep it a secret!"

The next day at school, Lelouch kept getting the feeling someone was watching him. In class, he'd turn to see Suzaku looking away. It kept happening. _Does he know?_ Lelouch wondered, clutching his desk in his desperation. _Can he sense how I feel? _He looked back at Suzaku again. The brown haired angel turned away once more. _Why does he keep looking at me? Maybe...maybe..._A more horrifying idea presented itself, so horrifying Lelouch almost didn't let himself think it.

_ THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY TEETH!_

The walls of the school tore by him as he ran. He skidded to a halt at the end of the hall and scanned his surroundings. _Where is he? Where..._ Suddenly, Lelouch caught sight of his target.

"STOP!" he cried.

The boy stopped and turned to face a huffing, puffing Lelouch.

"Lulu? What's _wrong?!"_ Rivalz cried, a look of concern gracing his mug.

"I NEED YOU TO TELL ME SOMETHING!" Lelouch wheezed, gripping Rivalz shoulders just to hold himself up. Just then, Rivalz's eyes appeared oddly...sparkly...

"Y-yes, Lulu?" Rivalz...cooed? Was it really cooing? Lelouch shook his head rapidly to snap himself out of this unpleasant train of thought. He paused dramatically.

"Is there..." Lelouch began,, "anything in my teeth?" he finished, through his bared teeth.

Rivalz appeared strangely...disappointed before answering, "no, Lulu. No," in an inexplicably sad way, "but I have something to ask--"

"Suzaku!" Lelouch cried euphorically. Suzaku, who'd been talking animatedly with some person Lelouch didn't care about, flushed before returning the greeting with an awkward wave.

Lelouch gulped before dashing over to the image of perfection. "S-something...uh...bothering you or anything?" Lelouch asked, unable to look Suzaku in the eye.

"N-no way..." Suzaku returned, equally inept at achieving eye contact.

"Oh..." They both endured a silence more awkward than the last one in this story.

"I love you--" Suzaku blurted, "...ske Urameshi from Yu Yu Hakisho. Isn't he cool?" Suzaku finished in one breath.

"Uhhhh...." Lelouch felt dizzy. Just a moment ago he'd thought...and he's heart had...but he'd been wrong...and now... "...sure..." he managed.

"Yeah..." Suzaku said, "...uh...sorry that was...random..." He laughed, and Lelouch laughed, and they both laughed and everyone stopped and watched them and their strange, overly loud laughter, and those people laughed too, and Lelouch didn't know what was so funny. And then the world went dark.

Beep. Beep. Beep...

Lelouch looked so peaceful on that hospital bed. The image blurred. Suzaku wiped his eyes. "Will he...be okay?" Suzaku breathed. The nurse smiled at him. Suzaku didn't know what she was smiling about, but he resisted the urge to falcon punch her.

"Yes. He has been successfully diagnosed."

Beep. Beep. Beep. The heart monitor. Oh, a cruel machine that cared not of Suzaku's feelings...in this cold cruel world...

"Well, what's the diagnosis?" Suzaku asked, getting more and more irritated with the nurse.

"Tee hee," she giggled, tilting her head to the side, "I'm afraid I can't tell you." Suzaku pounded the table with his fist (there's a table there, as one his necessary for the dramatic effect).

"Why the hell not?" his voice thundered.

"Because it says so on Lelouch's insurance policy...ahem!" the nurse began, "quote, 'upon any mysterious fainting spells, the cause must not be revealed to Suzaku Kururugi' end quote. Sorry."

The "quote," "end quote" was too much.

"FALCON PUNCH!"

Lelouch sat up, feeling groggy. It was dark outside. That meant he'd been out for quite sometime. Eerily, a weird nurse was standing in front of the door, with this creepy smile plastered across her welted face. She looked like a cardboard cut out.

"Um..." Lelouch began, unsure how to talk to someone that was arguably real, "uh...what happened to me?"

"Tee hee," the nurse began, peering at the clipboard under her arm, "you've been diagnosed with over-exertion due to running, false hope, and heart-break."

Lelouch looked around him. He let out a sigh of relief. Thankfully, Suzaku wasn't present to hear that...but wait...where WAS Suzaku? Why wasn't he visiting him? "Nurse?" Lelouch asked, a pang in his heart, "...where's Suzaku?"

"Oh, do you mean that vicious little thing that gave me this?" the nurse asked, pointing to the massive welt on the left side of her face that Lelouch had heretofore been able to avoid looking at, "oh, I'm guarding this door, making sure he doesn't disturb me—you. I'm looking out for your well--"

Suddenly, Lelouch was on his feet, standing in front of the nurse.

"I don't think you should be out of bed you'll over-exert your--"

"FALCON KICK!"

Lelouch burst out of the hospital room, wearing a cowboy hat, breathless. "SUZAKU!" he screamed in horror. The beautiful gazelle was restrained...in a straitjacket, surrounded by armed guards.

"SUZAKU!" he screamed again, for emphasis.

"LELLLOOUUUUSHHHHUUUUUU!!!!!!!" Suzaku cried. One of the guards prodded him with an electric spear.

"SUUUUZAAAAKUUUUUU!"

"LEEELLLLLOOOUUUUSHHHHHUUUU"

Etc. For a few minutes.

"UNHAND HIM YOU FIENDS!" Lelouch cried (as if that ever works).

"Okay," one of the guards said. He began undoing the straitjacket.

"Wait a minute, Bob," another one said, putting his hand on Bob.

"What? The kids said to let him go."

"But...but...isn't that...like, you know, against the rules? Or something?"

Bob was silent for a moment.

"Is it against the rules?" Suzaku asked, looking concerned.

The guard who was still touching Bob nodded solemnly.

"Well, then you musn't let me go!"

"BUT SUZAKU--" Lelouch began.

Suzaku put up a hand for silence.

"But he's in a straitjacket," Bob said.

"Not anymore," the Bob-toucher observed.

The straitjacket was somehow reduced to fairy dust.

And Lelouch was still wearing a cowboy hat.

"Oh yeah, where'd you get that cowboy hat, it looks neat," Suzaku observed, as he and Lelouch exited the room together.

"What cowboy hat?" And then it was gone.

The guy touching Bob was still touching Bob and Bob felt rather uncomfortable about it.

"Can you...like stop touching me...or something?"

"I choose something," the Bob-toucher responded.

"BUT WHHHYYYYYYY?" Bob whined. The Bob-toucher felt all moe just looking at Bob. And touching him.

"Because...I wouldn't have a name without touching you."

"Good point."

"Okay, I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really--" Lelouch took in a deep breath, "really, really--"

"OKAY JUST FINISH THE SENTENCE!" Suzaku cried in anguish.

"Alright," Lelouch said, "...well, I'm really tired of all this tension building up in this story. I can't take it anymore. Plus, I don't want to faint anymore."

Suzaku's eyes widened. "So...so what are you saying?" Lelouch looked Suzaku straight in the eye.

"I think you know what I'm saying, love."

"........" Suzaku looked at him in silence for a while, "that I have something in my teeth?"

"No, Suzaku, no!" Lelouch returned, placing his hands on Suzaku's shoulders and thus becoming a Suzaku shoulder toucher, "this story is taking to long to get to the good part!"

"What's the good part?"

"THIS IS THE GOOD PART!" Lelouch cried, striking a dramatic pose.

"Is something...supposed to happen?" Suzaku asked.

Reader: NO! *writhes*

Sebastian (from the Little Mermaid): *singing* "Kiss the girl..."

Reader: No it turns all script format-y! Get to the narrative, get to the good part. COME ON!

The temperature suddenly rose. Lelouch felt as if he couldn't even breathe. Their faces drew closer and closer—the background became bubbly and pink....with flowers. Lelouch's eyes got sparkly. Suzaku breathed through his mouth....

"There's something in my teeth, isn't there?"

Lelouch fell over. "NO! I wanted to tell you something more important than that!"

"More important than something being in my teeth?"

"SUZAKU!" Lelouch grabbed the clueless boy's hand. "I've been thinking--"

"A dangerous prospect--"

"I KNOW! But I realized that my feelings about you are...making these bubbles and flowers appear and that's just screaming gay sex so I was thinking--"

Suzaku gasped, "you don't mean...that you're about the give Geass fangirls something more than floral fanart of the two of us and me tackling you with a gas mask for slash AMVs, do you?"

"Yes I do, Suzaku. Yes I do. And I intend to use tongue."

And at that moment, when Lelouch took his sexy childhood friend in his arms and used as much tongue on him as a sex-starved sailor, he did something far more momentous than knighting him (eat your heart out, Euphie):

He made Suzaku UKE (eat your hearts out picky yaoi fans!).

And in a very moan-y fashion, the two commenced a very load make-out session of heavily steamy proportions.

THE END


End file.
